Yeah I do stuff and I need to prove it to myself
Late last year I decided to change up my entire life to be much more in line with who I imagine myself to be. And although there have been some speed bumps along the way, I have arrived at having everything on paper. I live in New York City, I live close to my long time friends, I have a great job that I enjoy and gives me the time and mental space to be a person. I’m super lucky. Finally, I have the life and the feeling that I imagined when I closed my eyes 2 years ago and skipped ahead to the future.
I do that a lot — when I have a clear image of being somewhere or feeling something, I close my eyes and imagine myself being in that place. It literally makes travel easier because before the plane, I imagine myself already being at my destination - in an Uber to the hotel, or at the baggage claim. Before I know it I’m seeing exactly what I saw in my mind with my own eyes.
It’s hard for me, on arrival to the life I have thought I have wanted (and for the record DO WANT), to not think about what my next destination is. I’ve been trying to work on living in the moment and enjoying the process and mystery of letting the universe decide on where it’s going to place me.
Yesterday though, I took a workshop called “The Art of Seduction”. I know that that seems totally unrelated to all of this — and signing up I thought that it would be too. I was expecting to learn something about how to approach people or be more confident or give off the energy that you’re interested in someone. I’m not particularly great at any of that and trying to be more flirty and fun.
This workshop really was unrelated to any of that though - “seduction” was framed as something higher, more ethereal than just “rizzing” up another person. It’s more about identifying what you desire, embodying that desire, and putting out the energy into the universe of already having what you desire and attracting it to you.
Something else that was big in this workshop was just saying the first thought that came to your mind without trying to make it make sense or be a complete, polished sentence. We did an exercise where we closed our eyes, breathed slowly, felt the floor, smelled the dust in the room, heard the cars going by outside and some breaths from people who probably should see a doctor, tasted nothing but spit, and looked at the patterns on the inside of our eyelids.
Then the workshop instructor said for us to think about what we desire.
And the first thing that came to my mind, which made me cry, was having a family with someone that I love. I’m even crying just typing this out right now. I can see and feel this vision more clearly than any other destination that I have been to in my mind — it’s so overwhelmingly joyous. I can see a little smile that I want to kiss, feel a hug from behind, hear kids yelling a little too loudly, smell dinner being made for us to sit down for.
I had to take a pause there just thinking about it again to recover from the emotionality of that future moment. I’ve known that that was something that I wanted for a long time, but I don’t think I have always thought about it as something that I deserve to have, or that is going to be easy to have.
Especially because the reality of finding it can feel so at odds with the vision. For me, dating is such a nightmare, partially because of other people, but mostly because of myself. I’ve been taking it either too seriously or too un-seriously and just saying yes to anything, even when I know it isn’t right.
Something the instructor also mentioned was that other people really want you to get what you desire. I was partnered with someone for an exercise where we shared our desires. They desired some very … interesting … things that I would never desire for myself. And yet, I still want them to get everything that they desire.
All that to say, some food for thought - sometimes we all feel like we don’t deserve what we truly want, but if you told someone else that was what you wanted, they would say you absolutely do deserve it.
I’ll do my best to enjoy the ride to my next destination - but I’m going to start to look for the warmth of the smile I want to kiss while trying to give off the same warmth I feel coming off of me when I close my eyes and smell dinner.
xo nathan