Yeah I do stuff and I need to prove it to myself
These past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions and have left me feeling emotionally unstable. I’ve been trying to tell myself that everything works out the way that it’s supposed to, but the voices in my head have been saying “Well… what if it DOESN’T” more than anything. Any anything that I could tell myself would be met with the same resistance.
So naturally I decided that it was time to go see a psychic. I haven’t been to one before and I figured that if anything, it would be good research for the game I’ve been working on (my favorite character is a psychic and I’ve just been making everything about him up from my imagination of what a psychic is).
I went to one near my house - they say all over the place to just walk in! And so I rang the bell and stood there. And waited. And nothing.
It was 6PM, even people with connections to the spirit realm have gotta eat I guess. So I went and got a Diet Coke and some Nutter Butters and walked around the block for a little. And then I came back a half hour later. Same thing - but this time I could see a woman pacing back and forth in another room with the shades half down.
Clearly Nicole was having a day. And I thought well… is that my answer? There’s a certain card I’ll pull when pulling Tarot cards every once in a while that means that it’s time to stop pulling Tarot cards and just see what happens. Maybe this was her version of the same thing. So I started on my way back home.
And then I realized I was going to go right past the train station - I might as well see one in Manhattan (I’ve been down bad).
What I’ve really been trying to do is put the energy out there that I’m trying to attract. And that’s been hard to keep up with no one really biting. It’s almost like when I tried Twitch streaming but it was incredibly difficult because I was just bouncing off myself. And so all of that has been draining, and I’ve been making up these fantasies about people and situations and making something out of nothing. Overthinking every conversation I have, just generally being anxious. Not putting the energy out there that I hope to get back anymore!
I started a cry log also - I’ve been crying almost every single day, from either a sniffle to a full on sob sesh. That’s so unlike me! My cry counter has hit the max when listening to Olivia Dean’s “I’ve Seen It” - it has come on in shuffle too many times and even just the first couple notes make me start to tear up.
So I hopped on the train to Manhattan, to the Lower East Side and in 20 minutes I was outside of a Psychic’s office with a girl sitting inside. She looked up at me, kind of surprised that I was there (the sign of a good psychic is definitely that they’re surprised that you’re there).
She threw out some Tarot cards, told me I would live long into my 90s (fingers crossed that that’s true), that something was coming regarding work in the next two weeks, that I am meant to work for myself doing something helping people, and that she could tell that I’ve been off recently.
Are all of those things easy to guess? Probably.
She said that I was supposed to get married last year but something happened that blocked the energy. Would I have gotten married last year? No. Was I closer to getting married then than now? Yes. A lot got in the way of that.
My main question for her was “have I met my person yet?” and her answer was a resounding NO. She said that I wasn’t receiving back the energy that I’ve been putting out there. Through nothing that I’m doing wrong - I’m doing everything that I can - but just that things haven’t happened yet. She said that I will have two kids. And that someone with a J name is going to be important (I looked in my phone at my contacts that start with J, and let’s hope it’s not 99% of those people)
Then, naturally, she tried to upsell me $1000 chakra cleansing to unblock my heart, third eye, and sacral chakra. I politely declined.
But - that did it. Just seeing her and hearing, even from the most questionable of sources, that everything is going to work out was enough to set me back into this universe - into my body, reminding me that I’m me, that I don’t need to be pining after anyone. If anything they should be pining after ME. I don’t need to imagine a million scenarios with people - when someone is going to be right for me, they are going to come into my life and things will happen the way that they are supposed to.
Before today I set my phone wallpaper to “HAVE FAITH IN THE VISION” and I have more faith than ever that everything is going to be ok. The biggest trouble I had in the past couple of weeks was seeing that loving smile and feeling its warmth, but today I can once again see it. That added to my cry count, but this time finally for something good.
"I guess it's been inside me all along"
xoxo