Yeah I do stuff and I need to prove it to myself
I don't know if I really fully understood what faith was until this week.
Faith: complete trust, confidence, or reliance in a person, concept, or divine entity, often operating without total proof. It involves a conscious choice to believe, acting as a conviction in things unseen and a deep-seated assurance in spiritual, religious, or personal truths.
Specifically, I didn't understand how important the part “operating without total proof” is. If you had asked me if I was a faithful person two weeks ago I would have given you a resounding NO. I think I underestimated the amount of faith that it takes to be a sane person - and the amount of faith I was already operating with.
I have faith that everything is going to work out for the greatest good, even when the evidence doesn't show it. I have faith that everything happens for a reason - even the bad things. And the things that I can’t control are or aren’t happening for those same reasons. And I guess I get why it’s hard to stay faithful - a lot of the time the evidence doesn’t point towards everything working out.
I wrote that a few days ago - but I had the thought yesterday - what if in order for something good to happen to me, there also needs to be something bad? I really tried to grapple with where my faith comes from.
I started with "how does it feel when you know you're going to die?" and quickly remembered - we are all going to die. How can we reconcile with only having a limited amount of time left? Through having faith that everything is going to work out the way that it's supposed to - and that with the power that I have over my situations, I'm going to be on the path that leads to the greatest good for the universe.
I was thinking about how the universe is probably purely neutral - in the sense that it sets what "neutral" is and I'm not the center of the universe. This was upsetting for me in my current circumstances because I also had just had a great day.
I had more to say here, but this moment has passed. I'm sure I'll bring it up again