Yeah I do stuff and I need to prove it to myself
Being at home is in some ways worse than I expected, and in other ways better. If you watched a video of us together you wouldn't necessarily think that any pain is lingering under the surface. But I've often thought of how everyone is definitely crying in the bathroom in the same way that I am - just not at the same time as I am.
Last night it really hit me how painful this is going to be to watch go down if what I fear is happening is happening. I really love my mom more than anyone else in the whole world.
I didn't particularly want to go to church today, but since my parents asked me if I wanted to attend I said yes. I really don't know what I expected, but it was incredibly hard to get through.
At church they're always talking about how with hard things you have to put your trust in Jesus and let it be. The worst part was the songs - about faith and trust and darkness and light.
A woman got up and gave her testimony. She had been suicidal and bad things had happened to her. She tried reading the Bible all the way through in 90 days and didn't get through it - but in her darkest hour she read the Gospels and the book of Revelation.
She had to pause up there for a second to hold back her tears talking about her darkest days.
The sermon given by the Pastor was from Mark Chapter 9.
When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.
“What are you arguing with them about?” he asked.
A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not.”
“You unbelieving generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.”
So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”
“From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.”
The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.
After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”
He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer.[a]”
This was so on the nose it felt like someone told them I would be coming today.
And I guess I finally get now what they've been talking about in church this whole time. In some ways I find it less appealing than before, and in other ways I am kind of trying to do the same thing to myself.
My parents and my sister are putting their faith in Jesus that everything is going to work out the way that it is supposed to. And I am putting my faith in the order of things that everything is going to work out in the way that it is supposed to.
From my memory, they talked a lot in church about saying "Why are you doing this to me God?" - and Job who went through a ton of trials but still trusted God.
And I guess it almost feels a little insulting to me to think that there's some loving force that would cause so much pain. That that somehow is His plan - for us to suffer, to go through trials.
And somehow I find that comforting from my interpretation in a weird way - the uncaring neutral order of the universe is something that you can be upset with, and it doesn't feel personal. The universe isn't out to get me - not that Jesus is out to get me either, I'm not that important. And maybe that's the point - I'm NOT that important so why is Jesus out here handpicking things for me to experience.
Maybe God gives his strongest warriors his fiercest battles, but the Universe gives whoever whatever, whether or not they can handle it. The uncaring coldness doesn't pick and choose anything and we just have to deal.
In another way, church was also not fun because of the looks I got from my parents' friends. It was subtle, but it was an "I'm sorry"-kind-of-look-in-the-eyes. Maybe I projected that on them.