Yeah I do stuff and I need to prove it to myself
I shouldn't have read Reddit last night. Googling is one thing - but reading the experiences of others... horrifying.
There's nothing about this that I can control though, I can only control how I react to it. And what good is spiraling going to do?
One of my friends said "We need to be strong for Amy" when I said something negative and actually that very much has been getting on my nerves and repeating in my head. I am allowed to feel and say literally whatever about this. It's made me reflect on how glad I am that I made some new friends recently. When I said that I might be weird to one of them, they said ... ok hope everything is ok! And that was it. We hung out like normal.
In contrast, I went to a party with my friends of 10+ years, and I had to repeat the story because I feel like they should know what's going on. I am craving feeling normal and I feel like many people that really know me are not going to allow me to be normal.
But I just also want to be prepared for the worst case scenario. Which has got me thinking... which one of these horrible paths is the worst one?
And that, my friends, is spiraling.
There is literally quite nothing I can do about any of this and I barely know anything. So why am I thinking through all of the horrific scenarios?
If I've learned one thing from this experience so far, it's that my family needs to take a collective Xanax. All of us for different reasons I think - but we all need a Xanax.
Selfishly, I was so excited to unlock my future this year. I thought that that meant going out to the club, meeting new people, having fun finally! Allowing myself to let loose a little and in the process I would align with who I could start a life with outside of the city. But experiencing the emotions I am feeling right now, I am wondering if all of that could be worth it.
It's in sickness and in health - and is the pain of the sickness really going to make the good times feel worth it? My mom isn't that old - my parents haven't had that many years to hang out together, just the two of them.
There's a map of the world with a box of pins beneath it that is hanging blank on their wall.
I've thought that what I really wanted was a family of my own - with someone that loves me, and a loving home for some kids and maybe another cat or two.
And all I've ever thought about is all of the fun that you get to have with a family - eating dinner together, going on outings, having your kids experience everything that you love but for the first time.
And sure, I've thought about bad things happening - broken legs and bad grades. Parent teacher meetings that don't go as well as I might have hoped.
But I haven't considered how a family ends. And how horrible that might be. When you create so much love and light, I guess maybe you have to be prepared for it to all come crashing down in front of you. The higher you build the tower, the further it has to fall.
Obviously that is an incredibly pessimistic view of things. But something to consider. It would be nice to have someone who is there for just me, where I'm their number one priority. Someone that I could take some comfort in. Friends are nice to have to talk to, and to take the edge off on occasion, but I do think it can only go so far.
I guess I've thought before about this side of the hard things - it's literally part of the reason why I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I was having some trouble last year with work and keeping my life together and he didn't really meet that moment in the way that I felt like I wanted to be met. Even when I told him what I wanted! And I thought wow - if he can't help me get through this, he isn't going to be able to help in 30 years when my parents get sick.
I just want to feel normal again - and wish someone could be there in that way for me in a close way.
I guess maybe at this point that's a tall ask.
Hi, I'm Nathan! I'm 28, 5'11", love long walks on the beach. Oh yeah and my mom might be dying and I am looking for a friend to comfort me through this time.
Interested?
It's quite the coincidence that I happened to start this blog a month before my life has started changing.
It feels nice to have a place to vent and have it public on the internet - even if I've given no one the link.
Maybe you're my partner for the end of my world?